she found the safe

"Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough "

connecticut wins.



florida

pros: 

• my sister is back from hawaii for a year, so id be able to spend time with her
• my cna liscense will be valid, so i could hopefully get a job back within that area.
• the rest of my family is there (parents, siblings, nephews and extended family)
• my best friends
• id kind of have a social life

cons:

• i might not be able to find a job for a couple of months putting me back into debt
• id be living with my parents again and currently there are 6 people in the house, which will drive me crazy
• id be buying my own food, hygeine products and paying $200 for rent
• dramaaaaaaa

connecticut:

pros:

• i already have a job
• i do have a sister and her family here, plus my grandparents are here 1/2 the year
• i have a few  friends from work.
• id have a little extra money saved up to make a trip back to florida when needed and my sister said she'd fly up here to hang out for a week before she leaves for hawaii again
• id only be living with my sister, her husband and my nephew for free and in return i just have to babysit my nephew 2 days a week from 8-5
• id be able to save more/do more things because, i wont be paying for rent, food, etc.

cons:

• in january i wont be getting a whole lot of hours at work, but i could possibly find a new job or get a second job to make up for this.  (so this only sort of counts.)
• my cna liscense isnt valid and cant be transfered for use.
• no real social life.
• my bffs arent here. 

i think connecticut kind of outweighs florida in ways that it would be better for my future but florida would be a hell of alot more fun.

any suggestions/feedback?

what ive been up to lately:

-babysitting blake, which has led me to believe that i could never be a stay at home mom.  thank god for daycare.
-sucking at sleeping.
-watching way too many music videos on youtube.
-spending my little free time on theknot.com when im not even close to being engadged or being in a relationship.
-boy hopping.
-obsessing about my weight.



its good times.

( more )

so im already thinking ahead to my 21st birthday, which mind you isnt until february. 

i dont even have any friends to throw a party wtih and the friends i do have dont like eachother.

im so fucking lame it kills me sometimes. 

connecticut: 5
me:  1

lonely, lonely, lonely.

its a almost 11pm on a friday night and im by myself watching ashley paige: bikini or bust.

my life stinks right now.

i have so much to give.

why cant i meet someone who can offer me just as much?

moving to connecticut on the 14th of july.

see ya bitches!

fucked over again.
i hate boys sometimes but i knew this was coming so its not as shocking as i thought it was.  it sucked because, i liked him a lot too.   good thing i had more boys lined up just in case this happened.

i dont know whats wrong with me.  i feel so disconnected from everything and everyone.  so much has been going on lately that i just want to get away.  im ready to drop everything and just go.  i have tons of bills yet thats not giving me any motivation to get a job at all.  im not sure what its going to take at this point.  im so lonely lately yet im hanging out with more people than ever.  its most likely because, i dont have that one person to call every night to ask how their day went or tell all my feelings to.  i just need to take a deep breath and realize everything is going to be okay, but shit keeps building up on me.  its one thing after another and its just spinning me around in circles and im just so dizzy.  my heart is constantly racing and my head is constantly thinking of all my problems and what could possibly go wrong next.


breathe, carlye.
breathe.

i have no idea what im doing.

in a few weeks it will be donnie and i's one year anniversary.  we have our difficulties but i'm in love with him more then ever.  i still have my insecurities that i truly need to get past, but in all i do trust him.  i've always been self conscious about if i am enough for someone to be happy with.  i've always thought that they would need someone else to fill the holes that i can't, but for once i feel like i'm giving him everything that i possibly can and that he deserves.

i want someone who is as in love with me as i am with them.

i haven't felt that in a while.

so much to "hey, on wednesday i am all yours!"




go figure.

my first day of class is tomorrow.
shit.
waking up at 6:45.
i hope there is no traffic.
what am i going to wear?
i hope theres some cool people there.
closed toe shoes. 
fuck.
i have to wear khakis.
sleep.

shit hit the fan.





fuck.

• lesley had blake today.  at 2:28 pm.  8 lbs, 13 oz.  21 inches. 
• knitting is hard and pissing me off.
  
• my nephews are driving me crazy, plus toms son (my half-nephew?) is coming down today.
• donnie and my parents got me the same freakin watch and knitting book for christmas.
• my eczema is the worst its ever been in about 4 years. 
  
• i am taking steroids for my skin.  ROID RAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!1
• my lobes are happy with some new organic plugs i bought for them.  steel+cold+ears+eczema= hell!
• i love my bf.  hes cool.

so my christmas shopping is done, the only person i had to buy for was donnie and still it was a pain in the ass.  i ended up getting him a dvd (pink floyd: the pulse), mx goggles and a fox racing jersey.  its not alot, but i did my best with the money i had an di think he will really enjoy it.  i finally got the dvd in today so i got to wrap everything, which is really my favorite part of buying presents!  i actually suck really bad at wrapping, but its the best part of christmas to me, besides opening presents and  eating coffee cake.  :D

anyways, life still hates me and i havent gotten any call backs from the job applications ive put in, which sucks so bad.  i reaaaaaaaaaaalllly want a job now, im so bored and broke and im aching to move out.  i still have to apply at bealls which, i cant do until i get my septum retainer delivered from baf.   i ordered new plugs too and i shouldnt have but they were new as of yesterday and there were only 9 left so i had to get a pair!  oh well...

thats about it for now.